Ah zen...

When Miriam is telling us a story, or what she wants to do, or reporting on her day, she tells it in bit parts, separated by ah zen... She means and then but like so many of her verbal quirks, we can't stand to correct this one. Ah zen sort of fits her, while she can dig in her heels with the best of us, she's a pretty mellow kid. And she approached her first day of schol with a somewhat unsettling dose of zen.

She didn't shed a tear. She had her Daddy carry her into school, but she walked into her classroom. She seemed nervous for sure, but was willing to be led to a few activities till she found one -- coloring near her old friend Ms. M -- that appealed to her. She seemed most nervous about the other kids who were crying, there were a few of them and they were all on a teacher's lap. I got her settled with paper (pink) and crayons (Just one, Mama, I don't want a yot) while Daddy snapped some photos. At one point, she grabbed my wrist firmly and said quietly, I want you to stay, and my heart broke into a million pieces as I explained in a carefully managed tone that school is for kids and I would see her after lunch. I love you all day long, sweetheart, I said as we stood to exit.

I crammed a lot into those four hours, or at least it seemed like I did because every time I looked at the clock, there was still plenty of time left. I arrived a full quarter of an hour early for pick up. I wasn't the only one, we newbie parents huddled just beyond their windows till we were allowed to go to the classrooms, where we were greeted by kids just as confused as we were about the pick up protocol. MZ was up front, ready to go. She did not smile broadly and run into my arms as she did at Ana's. When they told her to sit down while they got organized, she did so wordlessly and I worried that we had chosen a school that would crush her very spirit. Agh.

The first thing she said to me is These are my new friends, as she waved her hand around the circle, and my heart shattered for the millionth time as I picked her up to go home.

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At 5.9.07, Blogger Heather said...

Dang is she gorgeous.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage.


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