Ah zen...

When Miriam is telling us a story, or what she wants to do, or reporting on her day, she tells it in bit parts, separated by ah zen... She means and then but like so many of her verbal quirks, we can't stand to correct this one. Ah zen sort of fits her, while she can dig in her heels with the best of us, she's a pretty mellow kid. And she approached her first day of schol with a somewhat unsettling dose of zen.

She didn't shed a tear. She had her Daddy carry her into school, but she walked into her classroom. She seemed nervous for sure, but was willing to be led to a few activities till she found one -- coloring near her old friend Ms. M -- that appealed to her. She seemed most nervous about the other kids who were crying, there were a few of them and they were all on a teacher's lap. I got her settled with paper (pink) and crayons (Just one, Mama, I don't want a yot) while Daddy snapped some photos. At one point, she grabbed my wrist firmly and said quietly, I want you to stay, and my heart broke into a million pieces as I explained in a carefully managed tone that school is for kids and I would see her after lunch. I love you all day long, sweetheart, I said as we stood to exit.

I crammed a lot into those four hours, or at least it seemed like I did because every time I looked at the clock, there was still plenty of time left. I arrived a full quarter of an hour early for pick up. I wasn't the only one, we newbie parents huddled just beyond their windows till we were allowed to go to the classrooms, where we were greeted by kids just as confused as we were about the pick up protocol. MZ was up front, ready to go. She did not smile broadly and run into my arms as she did at Ana's. When they told her to sit down while they got organized, she did so wordlessly and I worried that we had chosen a school that would crush her very spirit. Agh.

The first thing she said to me is These are my new friends, as she waved her hand around the circle, and my heart shattered for the millionth time as I picked her up to go home.

Moving On

MZ had her first graduation! Her fabulous daycare provider gave a graduation party on Monday for her five departing preschoolers. She had hats and leis and gifts for them, and lined them up for photos and hugs.

As is my practice with anything new, I've been talking to her about leaving Ana's, and she's been okay with it till yesterday, when she announced, "When I'm done with preschool I'll go see Ana." I promised her we'd visit.

I also got her two books about going to preschool and somewhere new where her parents don't come along. It was so long ago, developmentally speaking, that she started at Ana's that a reminder that we always come back and always love her even when we're not together seemed almost as necessary as talking about the activities of preschool. She asks for these books all the time and talks a lot about how we love her all day long. She seems genuinely pleased when I remind her of this at random moments.

Today Miriam went to camp. My Gym offers two weeks of camp at the end of the summer, and we had hoped to send her there on consecutive Wednesdays so she wouldn't have to miss her favorite activity of the week, or her days with her various caregivers. We got one day and decided to go for it, it would be practice for leaving her somewhere she wasn't used to, for both of us. Since I've only left her a few places in the last 2.5 years, the thought of doing the transition again is putting me into something close to a severe state of distraction.

In the days immediately before her camp day, she seemed breezy about being left, but yesterday she started asking me to stay with her, so I wasn't sure how this was going to go. She clung tightly until I asked if she wanted to go play or to wait for her friend Suzu, and she chose to go play. When I returned with Suzu, she was playing by herself, looking a little uneasy, but they held each others' hands and walked into the gym as though it was the most normal thing in the world.