All On My Own

I'm home. R and MZ are in Boston. I am simultaneously relieved, excited and utterly heartbrokenly lonesome to be on my own. A weekend is a gift, a week is more of a trial. MZ awoke at 3:45 a.m. last night (about 30 minutes before we needed to wake her for the flight) because in our packing frenzy, I forgot to leave on the nightlight. It broke my heart a little that she wanted no comforting, she just kept instructing me through her tears to use the shoe to prop the door on my way out. Missing them is like a physical ache, at least I can have a conversation with R. but MZ has a mercurial relationship with the phone. I'm pretty sure I'll be reduced to sleeping with the Puppy she left behind.

Since there's only about five people who read this blog, it seems reasonable to say why I'm here and not in Boston: a positive pregnancy test! Finally! and just before we were to go the IVF route. Neither my acupuncturist nor the high-risk OBGYN want me to fly in this shaky first trimester, so here I am.

I just learned that my progesterone levels are low and the full emotional enormity of being here solo hit me. Since I'm nearly to week six, I'm nervous that the prescribed prometrium may be too little too late, but just enough to contribute to another D&C if all does not go well. The fear is real, but also, my typical coping method involves nailing a worst case scenario, then moving forward, so... if all *does* go well, I can look forward to introducing a happy, healthy new Freedman to the Boston fold next July 4th.

That's still a big "if," but I'm trying to stay focused on how incredible it is that I'm pregnant. Baby steps, so to speak.