Oh Sistah, where art thou?

I'm beginning to think I may never blog again. Sure, I'll post something once a month, the letter to MZ thing. But that's not blogging. That's just an electronic letter that I hope to find some reasonable way to print and collect by the time she goes off to college.

Since MZ started napping once/day, life has changed dramatically. She's a dervish, from sun up to sun down, with three hours of quiet mid-day, if we're lucky. And I am almost paralyzed for the first of those three, thinking of the things I could do: Laundry? Clean kitchen? Start dinner? Read? Blog? Read blogs? SLEEP?! I'm thinking of going back to work.

Not really, not totally, I still hold out hope I'll be pregnant again in a jiff. But I suspect someone else may be a better caregiver for my daughter than me at this stage. It turns out I NEED the alone time. Oh, and the adult company. Neither of which am I getting right now, since this nap schedule does not correspond to any of our prior activities. I miss my fellow Bernal moms so much I could weep. I'm too tired to make new mom friends.

We do have new activities. Swimming! Daily trips to the park! More errands! What, you're awake again? We must DO something! But these do not supply the adult time that the playgroup and rec center did. I don't know these moms. And literally every single mom in our swim class is pregnant. It's not the parent/child swim class, you lying marketers. It's the Pregnant Moms of Toddlers swim class. Did I mention that MZ still does not walk?

I even joined a gym, with day care (about 20 pounds overdue). MZ hates the daycare. She's been four times, and four times I've arrived to a baby crying hard into a sweet stranger's shoulder.

It's not that I'm a terrible mom, there's no neglect and there are lots and lots of hugs. But I can only read Come Here, Cleo so many times, can only erect so many Quatro towers to knock down, can only blow so many bubbles. Turns out I'm a great holder and cuddler. Whoda thunk? But chaser and distracter and teacher? Not so much. I am not excelling at reinforcing shapes and numbers and animal sounds in a playful and consistent manner that constantly challenges her young and thirsty mind.

So, I'm lonely and I'm performing below expectations. But there's more endorphins. So I've got that going for me.