Isn't she worth it?

Attracted to the local, artisan, high-culture and low-sugar benefits of Saint Benoît yogurt, I've been buying it for MZ, along with Hodo Soy Beanery's tofu omelette and Prather's no-nitrate free-range beef hotdogs. These are all good sources of protein, given that's the one food group she disdains, but they're also pretty spendy. The yogurt, which comes in lovely little ceramic tubs (aesthetics are everything, really), seems rather excessively dear for a toddler. We've been going round on whether we should really buy this for her or return to the Straus Organic yogurt, which is also local, plus it's organic. But objectively, it's not as tasty, and don't we want to encourage discriminating tastes in our daughter? And given the opportunity, don't we want to support a local, sustainable small business?

The thing is, I have this idea in my head that the Saint Benoît yogurt is somehow better for her. So last night, as she polished off the last container, I asked R. what he thought, should I buy more or go back to the Straus? And he replied, "Will it make her smarter? Will it make her more social? Put her at the top of the class?"

He was joking, of course, but there it was, my secret fear in almost any decision I make, all day long. Should I go to the gym or take MZ to playgroup? Should I get the plastic-lined mattress pad or a pricey, unwieldy battened organic cotton one? Should I buy organic, hormone free cheesesticks or Stella Mozzarella? Get home to nap her on time or run one more errand? Feed her (more) crackers or make a whole-grain pilaf? Run the sippy cups through the dishwasher? All wooden toys? Home-made diaper wipes? A second rinse cycle? Go back to work? I could go on and on...

When I take a step back, I know that none of these decisions is that urgent, and that it may be other decisions I make much more blithely that cause real harm. But in the moment, it can be paralyzing. I've never had such total responsibility for another human being, plus a baby challenges my environmental and consumer behavior like nothing else.

And let's face it, I'm a results-driven Type A who's used to fairly rapid validation that I've made the right decision. Parenthood is so not like that. Parenthood is trial and error, and doing the best you can, and hoping that a ready hug makes up for the other stuff. From a distance I know that.

But the inner dialogue, full of doubts, second-guesses and indecision, damn, sometimes it can take all day.