Yarzheit III

Avi and Ximena, this is our third year without you. We understand better now the mechanics of the Yarzheit, and I am comforted by this opportunity to formally bring you to mind, to hold you close in our hearts and remember what it was like to hold you close in our arms. With time, the pain is not so cutting, does not require the sharp intake of breath that was so much a part of the months following your birth. It’s a dull pain now, a chronic injury that we’ve learned to live with, for the most part.

But the pain is there, the sadness that comes with wondering who you’d be at three. I watched 2.5 year-old twin boys the other day, fascinated by the way they antagonized each other yet never left each other’s sides.

It’s been a busy few months, I haven’t posted as much as I’d like. Our struggles to build our family continue, and I tire of trying to put those thoughts into words and broadcast them over the internet. These days with your sister are so happy, aware as we are of the difference between Zero and One, yet charged with uncertainty and worry.

But in the midst of all of this we come back to your shared birthday. No matter how busy our lives, how distracting our concerns, we light these two candles and devote uninterrupted time to honoring you. Avi and Ximena, your mommy misses you.