6.16.2005

Stranger, Will Robinson! Stranger!

So let's just get it out here. Mixed with all that happiness at that confident smile was an enormous load of guilt. So what would she have done if it wasn't me holding her? Am I confusing her by leaving her with all these different people, even if most of them are family? Does she ever know WHO she's going to find when she looks up after a nap?

Today was the first time I left her alone with a non-family member, and as I drove to work, I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or vomit. I had to go in early to give a seminar, and there was no nervousnous left for public speaking, I was so consumed with the absolute giganticness of LEAVING MY BABY WITH A STRANGER!

She's not really a stranger (who do you think I am?), but could I really get hysterical about a young woman who clearly loves babies, lives in the neighborhood and actually took care of infant twins? Where's the fun in that?

Anyway, it went fine, and D. even tolerated my calling in the middle of the day to find out if she'd taken a bottle and if she napped and was she happy... and when I got home, Miriam was cheerfully rocking on her lap to the nursery rhyme CD we listen to every morning. As D. told me about their day (how many ounces of milk, the general health and productivity of her bowels), MZ giggled as though she was the headliner at Comedy Central, and I was so relieved, so profoundly relaxed for the first time that day, that it didn't occur to me to take it personally till later.

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